I used to often wonder why people especially young ones drive or try to drive fast on the road even at the risk of causing damage to others or themselves and even when not required at all. When asked they often say, " there is JOY in driving fast". Then question comes "how or why joy arises in driving fast ? " Then it is revealed that JOY arises because our thoughts / intellect / thinking / mind STOPS and fully come back to the PRESENT moment in AWARENESS in the heat and danger of the fast driving. Same thing happens with other sports also like running, football etc. The JOY the PRESENCE the AWARENESS is always already there only it gets covered by thick clouds of our thoughts / worries / wishes / plans / desires etc. So by whatever means and whenever our thoughts / thinking stops, the underlying JOY the underlying AWARENESS resurfaces, reappears.

My seeking was born from trying to control everything around me. The more afraid I was the more control I wanted. It started very young as a teenager at least that's how far I can remember and continued till my mid twenties. Around then I fell into depression as a result of not being able to control everything and simply was left to anxiety attacks and a feeling and inability to connect to anyone. I had to manufacture laughs, feels to separate persons operating at the same time. None of that disappeared over a day either. It started to get better by playing music. early thirties got into classical guitar -- it was the drug that numbed me for reprieve.

Slowly that made me forget about the seeking for short periods -- I always had this sense of observing myself but at first it was purely as a mechanism of self discipline and control...

I would love to read more stories of how you personally discovered the JOY of not needing to be (a) someone and what relief that brought. That is what we shared in today's meeting.

A suggestion for our Wednesday meets: At the very start, participants can be requested specifically to share their personal experiences only and not their thoughts views opinions on a topic of the day ie how they faced that subject. One can keep quiet if s/he never faced it. This will bring out personal insights of the participants which is always deeper and truer than their views opinions etc. like we saw last night.

It's in the stillness between the musical notes of life where you find yourself and loose yourself forever.

It is better to provide a reflective question for members to write their experience.. for example this week's reflective question was : Can I be aware of the need to be some one? This prompt will help members to share what is there in their mind around the theme of this week. Does this make sense?

Sharing our story and experience caught me off guard in our last meeting and my ego was hard at work. It almost felt like a punch in the gut to hear the stories of those who have shared, in a good way, but my ego was telling me that I still have such a long way to go. The sense of relief that was described was beautiful and I was there seeking it and not being it. That being what is. My story feels complex, and we all share the same story, so it cannot be more complex than yours. It may just be harder for me to find the words; I am not sure. Or maybe it still feels raw for me. I have been born into generational trauma of sexual abuse, my mother was sexually abused by her father, who was orphaned at a young age, and I assume he was abused too or experienced a life of abuse and trauma. I was also sexually abused by my mother’s father, from a young age and when I gathered up the courage to tell my mother about the sexual abuse, when I was about 8 years old, she told me that “that is how your grandfather showed his love” and that was it. For all my childhood years I had to protect and defend myself and I locked myself in a self, separate from others, and never knowing or even feeling like I truly belonged. This played out in many ways throughout my life experience in trying to both control and always seeking belonging or oneness. For my entire life up until the age of 38, I never understood or knew that we are all one. The last 3 years of my life have been a path of seeing this, slowly, more clearly, facing my conditioning, being aware, giving up drinking, going no-contact with my family, leaving a company I was part of for 15 years, going through a divorce – to let go of expectations that we have on each other so that we can be who we are for each other. I do experience glimmers of relief and peace, and I find comfort and courage in a much larger knowing of belonging now. The joy of not needing to be a someone sets me free.

Upnishdik texts say that three things or phenomena are ALWAYS there irrespective of time place or period. First is 'SAT' meaning EXISTENCE, second is CHIT i.e. AWARENESS and third is AANAND ie JOY. Collectively these three, in Sanskrit are called 'SACHIDANAND' Even though always available still these three things are not noticed by most of us humans because our body, intellect / mind / thoughts are always pre-occupied or lost in all sorts of things / actions / people etc that these three things just remain hidden underneath our daily movements. But these are occasionally noticed especially when our thoughts or body pauses either suddenly or consciously e.g. seeing the vast endless sky, ocean, a beautiful river, a mountain, a smiling kid, a singing bird, a beautiful face etc. All these happenings allow our hidden joy to resurface and expresses itself in the form of widening of our eyes and lips (aka smile). Even the joy we feel during physical hugging touching something or someone is also just outcome of stopping of our thoughts. When thoughts stop the inner joy resurfaces. Even during sex also our thoughts stop hence the joy reappears. Same in sports, playing. Thats why children likes to play run because in playing running our thoughts stop or reduces and the inner joy resurfaces reappears. Same while dancing singing because there also when singing dancing acting is done with full attention, our thoughts stop and we feel joy in singing dancing etc. Even listening music also same thing happens - our thoughts stop and the inner joy resurfaces reappears.

I have been on with this practice for a while when a part of me go on a seeking drive....by asking this question...who is behind this seeking? There comes the realisation that part of us would always seek something to be joyful....and there is a part which simply is, allowing JOY to manifest when it has to....so let this process happen...so sometime there will be experience of JOY and sometimes, it will be blocked and that is perfectly fine...let the flow continue...nothing to hold on along the way...anyway...feels unification away from identification ...