At first, I didn't cry...

What do we do with emotions? Should we suppress them? Allow them? Control them? or just let them be? Do we even have a choice? Many questions come to play, and in playing, we shall indulge them.

• Is there a right time for an emotion?
• Can we let go and let them be?
• Do we witness emotions, or do we play a bigger part?

— On the balcony. #recognize

She would hear the door open from the second floor, and she’d run to the balcony. She knew someone was about to leave, and she wanted to say goodbye or call them up for a cup of coffee. That was my grandma. Always waiting on the balcony.

This past Easter Sunday, we bid her farewell. At the age of 94, she decided it was time to leave. She had stopped eating for the last three weeks, and we knew it was coming.

Death came to a beautiful smile and a big heart. We were not in Lebanon to come to see her, neither I nor my dad. It was his mother. With tears escaping his eyes, he told me she was no longer with us.

I embraced him. I told him that I saw her just a few months ago and knew she was in no pain till the last minute. In these moments, not many words can help, and not many things we can do but simply be.

So I was there to hear the stories I have heard so many times before, to listen to the tears in the voice cracking in between, and to hold the space for grief to happen. Surrounded by all this, I was sad, yet I didn’t cry.

— Not my moment. #understand

The day was over, and a new day was about to break. I took to my phone looking for photos of her. And there I found her smile, looking back into my eyes, donning a hat and speaking, even though she was gone.

The sun hadn’t had a chance to rise yet, and my tears ran uncontrollably.

The moment took me by surprise. Suddenly, a rush of emotions came to visit me while I was sitting in my bed. And I let them, or probably more accurately, I was their witness.

— Adieu. #accept

Tears, smiles, missing, loving, and more… not one but many, not in a single stream but a flood. I smiled, I cried, and I said my goodbyes.

The moment for the emotions claimed itself, and I was its witness. That was my experience this time.

But there was a “last time” that came before, and none of this was the same. A time when I didn’t respect the emotions. A time when I tried to control them. A time when I wanted to schedule them. And none of it worked because it never can.

I suffered for it and simultaneously was reborn. It took me time to recognize that, but it happened anyway. So, the truth is that emotions arise in their moment, not yours.

Respect them enough to witness them with dignity no matter how severe they are. Give them the space, and don’t torture yourself by deciding their moment, for they are not asking your permission.

The morning sun was starting to peek through. I hit send, announcing she was gone, and in the silence of that emotional moment, I welcomed a new day.

Until next time,
Carlo